|
| Contact
Ingrid |
Marital Counseling and Couples Therapy:
How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor
Edited
from a chapter in 5 Steps to Romantic Love.
MARITAL
COUNSELING IN TORONTO:
The information described
on this page will assist you in finding a good marriage counselor.
Introduction
How to Make Your
First Appointment
What Is the Cost?
What to Expect In
Your First Session (Intake)
What to Expect In
Your Second Session (Assessment)
What to Expect In
Treatment
Introduction
The purpose of a marriage
counselor, from my perspective, is to guide you through (1) emotional
minefields, (2) motivational swamps and (3) creative wildernesses.
The emotional minefields
represent the predictable, yet overwhelmingly painful experiences that many
couples go through as they try to adjust to each other's emotional reactions.
Hurt feelings are the most common, but depression, anger, panic, paranoia and
many others seem to pop up without warning. These emotions distract couples from
their goal of creating romantic love, and often sabotage the entire effort.
A good marriage counselor
helps couples avoid many of these emotional landmines and is there for damage
control when they're triggered. He/she does this by understanding the enormous
stress couples are under as they are facing one of their greatest crises. When
one or both spouses become emotionally upset, he/she has the skill to diagnose
and treat the emotional reactions effectively. I counsel with a psychiatrist who
prescribes psychotropic medication (anti-anxiety and anti-depressants) to
alleviate the emotional pain that often accompanies the process of marital
adjustment. A good counselor knows how to calm the couple down and assure them
that their emotional reactions are not a sign of hopeless incompatibility.
The motivational swamps
represent the feeling of discouragement that most couples experience. They often
feel that any effort to improve their marriage is a waste of time. Over the
years, I believe that one of my greatest contribution to couples has been my
encouragement when things looked bleak. My clients knew that at least their
counselor believed that their effort would be successful. Eventually, each
spouse would come to believe it too.
Discouragement is
contagious. When one spouse is discouraged, the other quickly follows.
Encouragement, on the other hand, is often met with skepticism by the other
spouse. So its easy to be discouraged, and difficult to be encouraged, when you
are trying to solve marital problems. A marriage counselor should be there to
provide needed encouragement when there's none other in sight.
The creative wilderness
represents the typical inability of couples in marital crisis to create
solutions to their problems. In the books I've written, many solutions are
suggested but they're only the tip of the iceberg. Many marital problems require
solutions that are unique to certain circumstances. In this site, I put more
emphasis on the process you should follow to solve marital problems than I do on
the specific strategy you should use. That's because there are too many
situations that require unique strategies.
A good marriage counselor
is a good strategy resource. While you can, and should, also think of ways to
solve your marital problems, a marriage counselor should know how to solve
problems like yours. That's what you pay him/her to do! And his strategy should
make sense to you. In fact, his strategy should encourage you in the belief that
your problems will be over soon. Counselors often obtain special training for
many common marital problems, such as sexual incompatibility and financial
conflicts. These counselors can document a high rate of success in finding
solutions to those problems.
To summarize, the three
most important reasons to find a marriage counselor are (1) to help you avoid or
overcome painful emotional reactions to the process of solving marital problems,
(2) to motivate you to complete your plan to restore romantic love to your
marriage, and (3) to help you think of strategies that will achieve your goal.
If you can handle your
emotional reactions, provide your own motivation and can think of appropriate
strategies, you don't need a marriage counselor. In fact, I suggest that you try
solving your problem on your own until you hit a roadblock. But if your efforts
hit a snag, find a professional marriage counselor to help you. Marital problems
are too dangerous to ignore, and their solutions are too important to overlook.
How to
Make Your First Appointment
The yellow pages is
probably one of the most common places to discover where to find marriage
counselors. Your physician or minister may also be able make suggestions. But
the most reliable sources of referral are people who have already seen a
counselor that has successfully guided them to romantic love. Since couples are
usually tight-lipped about their marital problems, that kind of referral is
usually difficult to obtain.
Regardless of your source
of referral, however, you should take steps to be certain that you select
someone who can help you. And remember, the counselor who can help your marriage
helps both you and your spouse. If at all possible, make sure your spouse is an
active participant in this selection process.
Begin by calling one
clinic at a time, asking the receptionist to speak to the counselor you are
considering by telephone. There should be no charge for this preliminary
interview. You should ask the counselor some of the following questions:
* How many years have you
been a counselor?
* What are your
credentials (e.g. academic degree)?
* Do you help your clients
avoid some of the emotional hazards of marital adjustment?
* Do you help motivate
your clients to complete the program successfully?
* Do you suggest
strategies to solve your clients' marital problems?
You may wish to add other
relevant questions. You may also try to let the counselor know what type of
marital problem you have. After going through this site, you'll probably have
more insight regarding your problem than counselors are accustomed to hearing.
Use that insight to discover if the counselor has the background and skill to
help you with your particular problem.
I would highly recommend
that you ask if the counselor is presently using my books, His Needs, Her Need,
and Love Busters. If they are not using these books, ask if they'd be willing to
use them when counseling with you. While this may seem like a marketing ploy on
my part, the reason I would like you to take my materials with you is that I'd
like you to stick to the program I've recommended. There are many ineffective
marriage counseling methods being used these days and I think you'd be more
comfortable with a counselor who uses my direct method of dealing with the
problem. Counselors that only sit and listen to couples complain should be
avoided at all costs!
Most couples who see me
are in a state of crisis. They don't go to the trouble and expense of marriage
counseling for marriage "enrichment." They are facing marital
disaster! With that in mind, time is of the essence. You cannot wait weeks for
your first appointment. In fact, you should probably be seen the same day you
call.
After speaking to several
marriage counselors on the telephone, and taking good notes on their answers to
your questions, try to narrow your choice to three counselors. Keep all your
notes, since the first one you select may not work out.
When you and your spouse
both feel comfortable with a particular counselor, set up your first
appointment.
What Is
the Cost?
Cost varies widely among
marriage counselors. But before we talk about cost, I strongly advise you
against counselors that cannot see you soon and often. That rules out most
Health Maintenance Organizations which are free or low cost because their
overworked counselors are usually weeks away from taking new couples, and they
tend to schedule follow-up appointments weeks apart. Furthermore, their
counselors are not likely to talk to you on the telephone prior to an
appointment.
Insurance generally will
not pay for marriage counseling unless the counselor finds you or your spouse
suffering from a mental disorder. Marriage counseling is covered as treatment
for the disorder, but not otherwise. If you see a counselor who uses your
insurance, you can be almost certain that you've been diagnosed to have a mental
disorder. It'll be on your record for years to come and may prevent you from
obtaining certain jobs or qualifying for certain types of insurance.
Furthermore, if you really do not have a mental disorder, but it's been
diagnosed just to collect insurance, your insurance company may challenge the
diagnosis leaving you responsible for the bill. If you're offered counseling for
what your insurance pays with no other cost to you, its illegal. Call your
insurance company or your state's insurance commissioner to report the attempt
to commit insurance fraud.
It's safe to assume that
you may need to pay for therapy out of your pocket. So how much do marriage
counselors charge? Rates vary from about $45 to $200 per session. The average is
about $95. Since most marriage counselors see couples one session a week for the
first three months, you can expect to pay about $1200 in that period of time if
it's at about $95/hr. Most of my clients have paid under $1200 by the time
they've completed therapy. But some counseling can continue weekly for as long
as two years before the problems have been resolved. That would cost a couple
$10,000 over two years. While it may seem like a fortune, the cost of divorce is
often many times that figure.
To help put the cost of
marriage counseling in perspective, there's nothing you can buy for $10,000 that
will give you the same quality of life that a healthy marriage provides. If you
and your spouse love each other and meet each other's important emotional needs,
you'll be able to do without many other things and still be happier in the end.
Besides, I've found that people seem to earn more and save more after their
marital problems are solved. The money you spend to resolve your marital
problems is money well spent.
What to
Expect In the First Session (Intake)
If you see a counselor in
a clinic or suite of counseling offices, a receptionist should be present and
the waiting room should be pleasant and relaxing. You should register at the
desk when you arrive and you'll be asked to complete registration forms and
contracts. Read them carefully. You may also be asked to complete insurance
forms.
Most "hour"
sessions are actually forty-five minutes. Fifteen minutes are taken by the
counselor to complete notes and prepare for the next session. While I've always
tried to time my sessions carefully, I try to be flexible and considerate at the
end of each hour. Sometimes I find myself giving a couple an extra fifteen
minutes to pull themselves together, putting me fifteen minutes behind for my
next couple. The extra fifteen minutes between sessions helps me catch up when
I'm running behind.
Punctuality is very
important. While most counselors will sometimes run about half an hour late, it
should not be a pattern. Your time is important, and you shouldn't be expected
to waste it waiting for your counselor. Complain if it becomes a problem.
Most marriage counselors
see couples together in the first session, but I do not. Instead, I see each
person separately for fifteen minutes so that I can gain their individual
perspectives. Besides, I've seen too many fights break out when I see couples
together for the first time. For your own comfort and security, I recommend that
you see your counselor separately, at least briefly, during the first session.
The purpose of the first
session is to familiarize yourself with the counselor. He has almost no
opportunity to discover how to solve your problem at that point, but you can
often determine your comfort and confidence in him/her. If you or your spouse
react negatively to his/her style, find another counselor. He/she is there to
inspire you and if he/she doesn't do that, you'll be wasting your time.
The counselor will ask you
why you've come to see him/her, and you should answer that you've come for help
in restoring love to your marriage. When you're asked to be more specific, you
explain that you've both developed habits that hurt each other more than they
help each other, and that you want to develop more constructive habits. You want
to learn to meet each other's needs and avoid being the cause of each other's
unhappiness. You go on to explain that you want him/her to help you achieve that
goal.
At the end of the session,
you're seen together and asked to complete forms so that he/she can evaluate
your marital problem. I use my Love Busters Inventory (LBI), my Emotional Needs
Questionnaire (ENQ) and a test of romantic love.
The LBI and ENQ are
available to you in this site. If the counselor does not use these forms for his
evaluation, you may suggest providing them to him to help determine your goals.
I usually try to schedule
the second appointment for no more than a week later. If possible, I try to see
the couple within a few days. This is because they are usually suffering from
their problems and would like relief as soon as possible. I can't give them any
advice after the first session because I don't know much yet. The advice comes
after I've had a chance to review the forms they complete.
What to
Expect In the Second Session (Assessment)
The purpose of the second
session is to review the forms you've completed and plan a strategy to resolve
your marital problems. It's usually impossible to do this in one hour so you
should expect this strategy session to take two.
You and your spouse should
be seen alone again for at least part of the session. As your counselor suggests
his/her plan, you need to be able to react honestly and the presence of your
spouse may inhibit your reaction. At the end of the session, however, you should
be together to formally agree to a plan which is carefully described in writing.
There's no point to
treatment before a treatment plan is completed. Poorly organized counselors will
often see clients for weeks before they get down to deciding how they'll
proceed. During that time, the crisis is over and the motivation to solve the
problem is postponed until the next crisis. The couple drops out of therapy no
wiser or better off than they came. To avoid that tragic end, a counselor must
focus on a treatment plan immediately, while the couple is still motivated to do
something about their problem.
If your counselor claims
to need several sessions before arriving at a treatment plan, resist it. Explain
that even if the initial plan needs to be revised during treatment, its better
to begin with some plan than no plan at all. Not only do you want to get on with
it, but there's also a big risk that you or your spouse will lose motivation
before the plan is completed. Most couples that come for marriage counseling
need plenty of encouragement from the first session on, and its discouraging to
wait for a treatment plan.
At the end of the second
session, you should not only know the treatment plan, but you should also be
given your first assignment. The value of marriage counseling is in what you
achieve between sessions, not necessarily what you achieve during the session.
One of your first
assignments should be to document the prescribed hours you spend giving each
other undivided attention. Most of your other assignments will be carried out
during those hours. The time you set aside for each other must be carefully
guarded. Its easy to let the emergencies of life crowd out your time together,
leaving you without time to solve your marital problems.
You may be able to carry
out the treatment plan on your own. Perhaps all you want is professional advice
regarding a strategy that will help you solve the problem. If emotional
minefields and motivational swamps are not a threat to your marriage, you may
find that the counselor's experience helped you think of a solution that you
would not have found by yourself. If that's the case, I would recommend you set
one more appointment in a week or two to guarantee that you are carrying out the
plan without any need for further help. But be sure to come back if you're not
making progress.
What to
Expect During Treatment
From the third session on,
you're guided by the treatment plan that you agreed to follow. Each week you
report your successes and failure to the counselor. He/she guides you through
the emotional minefields, motivational swamps and creative wildernesses. If your
counselor is right for you, you'll come to like and respect him/her more and
more as time goes by. You'll see your marriage improve in fits and starts. Some
weeks will be blissful while others will be unbearable.
Its common for couples to
experience a crisis between appointments that requires a counselor's mediation.
I've usually been willing to have couples call me at the office or at home for
emergencies because I realize that I'm working with couples in crisis. Sometimes
a call is simply for clarification of an assignment. But I've also had threats
of suicide, violent arguments and irresponsible browbeatings that need to be
dealt with at the time they occur. If I get too many calls from a couple, I
schedule their appointments closer together.
Both you and your spouse
should be the judge of your need for continued treatment and when to terminate
treatment. I usually use the success of the treatment plan to determine how to
phase clients out over time. I will see them once a week in the beginning, twice
a month after they are on a steady course, and once a month when they are
nearing the end. Its not uncommon for couples to return after six months or a
year just to check on their status.
Men generally want to get
out of therapy as soon as possible, even when they were the ones that wanted it
the most in the beginning. They don't like the idea of reporting to someone
regarding their behavior, and my role as a counselor is to see to it that they
follow through on what they promised. They often agree to anything to get their
wives back, and then once she's home, they go back to their old habits.
With that type of problem
in mind, don't abandon therapy unless you both enthusiastically agree to do so.
If one of you wants to keep the door open, reschedule once a month or less often
just in case problems arise. In the end, you and your spouse will be very much
in love with each other. I have couples repeat my test for romantic love every
few weeks so I can be certain we're on the right track. You might want to do
something similar to measure the success of your program. But when you're in
love, you don't really need a test to prove it!
COUPLES THERAPY IN TORONTO:
Ingrid Dresher CONTACT
MARITAL COUNSELING IN SCARBOROUGH: Beth Mares
Home
| Psychotherapy
for Individuals and Couples | Frequently
Asked Questions | Helpful
Resources
| Marital Counselling |
Jungian
Analysis | Mood
Disorders
| Anxiety
|
| Contact
Ingrid |